Some very silly jokes

Hiya again

Here's a few jokes a friend just sent me. What with politicians wasting their time waging wars instead of taking care of the climate, for example, the world's in such dire straits that I'm grabbing at any chance of having a laugh.
Spring is definitely here. More about that in another post. :)

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A pirate walks into a bar. Looks like the quintessential pirate -- peg leg, hook on one hand, eye patch, the whole nine yards. In addition to all this, he's got a ship's wheel hanging from the fly of his pants.
He walks up to the bar, and orders a whisky. The bartender pours it for the pirate, and says to him "Arr... what that steering wheel be?"
The pirate nods his head, and says: "Arrr, it drives me nuts."

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A pirate walks into a bar with a cutlass at his waist, a bandanna on his head, an eyepatch, and a big green parrot riding on his shoulder. He pulls a gold coin out of his purse and slaps it down on the counter, growling "Rum!"
On hearing the clink of gold, the parrot starts squawking "Pieces of nine! Pieces of nine! Pieces of nine!" in an earsplitting tone.
The barkeep hesitantly asks, "Isn't that supposed to be Pieces of Eight?"
The pirate, looking a bit shamefaced, says "Arrr... just a one-bit parroty error..."

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A pirate ship sails into a harbor frequented by other pirate ships. After docking, some of the crew disembarks and heads for the local tavern. A short time later, the captain of these pirates, Captain Billings, comes in and has himself a drink, too, before heading back to the ship.
"Aaarr! Drink up mates, for we be settin' sail at dawn!" he shouts as he walks out the door into the night with a few of his crew. The crew that remains in the tavern gets pretty liquored up after a few more hours of drinking grog. The conversation eventually turns to who has found the best treasures on their pirate raids. One pirate brags how he discovered a pile of rubies hidden in a vat of cranberry sauce in the galley of one ship, where the captain had ordered them hidden before the ship was boarded by the pirates.
One of Captain Billings's pirates brags, "That's nothin'. We captured a royal ship this morn, an' it had a pile o' diamonds, it did. We took the treasure 'fore we sunk 'er, we did. An' if our ship ever gets boarded by scurvy, thievin' pirates, twon't find where we stashed that treasure!" and gives a hearty laugh. His fellow crewmen laugh out loud and slap him on the back, sure that he's right.
A short time later when Captain Billings's crew is leaving the tavern, a group of other pirates whispers among themselves. Their two pirate ships will attack Captain Billings's ship after it leaves the harbor, and then steal the diamonds and any other treasure they can find. But first they'll have to find out where the diamonds are hidden.
Captain Billings's crew heads back to the docks and are attacked in the dark by assailants. Since most of the assailants are pretty drunk by this time, all but one of Captain Billings's crew escapes.
"Aaarr! Tell us where the gems are hidden!" The captive pirate starts spouting off words in an unintelligible language.
"Me thinks he's speakin' Portuguese," says one of the pirates, "an' Russell is the only one of us who speaks it." A pirate goes back to the tavern and returns with the pirate Russell.
The first mate of the pirate ship that Russell is not a crewman of explains the plan to him. "Ask 'im where the gems are," orders the first mate.
Russell asks the captive, who replies that he doesn't know. "Says he don't know," answers Russell.
The first mate pulls out his pistol and aims it at the captive's temple.
"Ask 'im again."
The captive, fearing for his life, tells Russell the diamonds are hidden at the bottom of the water barrel on the starboard side of the quarter deck.
"Says he don't know, and ye don't have the guts to shoot 'im!" answers Russell.

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A pirate captain swaggered into a tavern on the harbor. The innkeeper looked around and asked him, "Where are you buccaneers?"
He answered, "On my buckin' head!"

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A pirate walks into a bar. He says "Ouch!".

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A seaman meets a pirate in a bar. The two men take turns boasting of their adventures on the high seas.
The seaman notes that the pirate has a peg-leg, hook, and an eyepatch. He asks, "So, how did you end up with the peg-leg?"
The pirate replies, "We were in a storm at sea, and I was swept overboard into a school of sharks. Just as my men were pulling me out a shark bit my leg off."
"Wow!" said the seaman. "What about your hook"?
"Well," replied the pirate, "while my men and I were plundering in the middle east, I was caught stealing from a merchant. I was arrested and my hand was cut off."
"Incredible!" remarked the seaman. "How did you get the eyepatch?"
"A sea gull dropping fell into my eye," replied the pirate.
"You lost your eye to a sea gull dropping?" the sailor asked incredulously.
"Well," said the pirate, "it was my first day with the hook..."